Can you please keep me anonymous.
Am sorry for a long paragraph but I need to vent and I need advice as am suffocating. My baby daddy and I found out we are HIV positive when I was pregnant with our first child.
We have never really had any counseling what so ever. We just accepted and moved on but for me it’s been hard because I have noticed the way he treats me has changed. I feel he blames me for infecting him since I was the first one to be diagnosed.
Secondly we had our second baby recently and that has just made our financial burden worse because both the kids have not reached the age of 4 years. He’s the only one working and besides us he supports his family too. His brothers are not really working just doing part time jobs but they don’t help with groceries and stuff they just focused on their kids and it hurts me because my kids are not getting the treatment they should be getting because daddy doesn’t have money.
They don’t have clothes right now it’s winter and the small baby boy doesn’t have clothes and to make matters worse he’s in and out of hospital. I try to use their grant money to help but its barely enough. I don’t have clothes too and recently had to cut my hair because its hard maintaining my hair. I’m forever indoors alone because I don’t want to be around my sisters they always telling me how much older I look and how my kids are suffering.
Sometimes I can see that my baby daddy is trying but sometimes I just get so mad at him because when I try and explain to him that he should talk to his brothers to help us he gets mad and says things like its not like I’m using my money to support his family so we just end up fighting. The other day I was going through my pictures and realized that before I met him my life was ok I was working and could support myself even when our first born daughter was born I was taking care of her every need but now it’s hard I havent been working since we moved from joburg I cant find a job.
I’ve tried a few businesses but it’s hard because he doesn’t even support me. Sometimes I hate my kids sometimes I want to hurt them especially when they start crying for food that I don’t have.
Thirdly I’ve noticed that he’s too selfish these days he puts himself and his mom before me and the kids. I wish I never met him or had children with him as I’m now just a laughing stock.
Please help I’m seriously depressed. I’m even started cutting myself sometimes. I hit the kids so hard when I’m alone with them. I love them but i can’t deal anymore!
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